File Under "What the Fuck?"


Chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah proposes the creation of the world's most damaging super virus & releases new album.

Senator Orrin Hatch, R-Utah, proposed a new initiative to curb music piracy by using technology to destroy the computer of anyone who downloads an unauthorized music file. Concern over music piracy grew out of the senator's moonlighting career as a songwriter. "Last year I only took in $18,009 in royalties on my album My God Is Love. Obviously there is a lot of piracy going on."

During the hearing, Randy Saaf of MediaDefender stated, "No one is interested in destroying anyone's computer.''

"I'm interested,'' Hatch interrupted. He said damaging someone's computer "may be the only way you can teach somebody about copyrights. For god's sake man, my music has given me a chance to work through ideas and feelings, free of restraints that often limit honest reflection in public office. And it has enabled me to distance myself momentarily from the demands of my profession and restore a sense of balance and joy, And I need to be paid for it!"

Here is how the proposed initiative would work...



a) Orrin Hatch and the RIAA send out legalized virus, masked as Hatch's song, "America Rocks!"
b) Your dumb ass teenager downloads the song as a joke.
c) He sends the song to several of his loser friends.
d) They send it to their friends, and so on. Internet in flames.
e) You wake up in the morning and wonder why the fuck your computer doesn't work and all your financial records and porn are toast.
f) You pick up the phone, turn the crank, and say "Sarah, get me my Congressman at Pennsylvania 3567."

Top 10 Pirated Orrin Hatch Songs
1. Look for the Lord in the Mornin'
2. The Answers not in Washington
3. Let's Turn Iraq into a Parking Lot
4. Only Sinners Choose Campaign Finance Reform
5. Just $500 More and You Can Sit at My Table
6. No Empty Chairs (at my fundraiser)
7. Bill Was A Sinner
8. I'm up for Re-election, Lord
9. Lord Smite The Copyright Infringer
10. Destroy the Whore of Babylon (Hillary's theme)
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In other news, Senator Hatch is pushing his fourth resolution to amend the Constitution to ban flag burning .

"Americans will continue to have the right to express their views in public, in private, in newspapers, on the Internet and through broadcast media," Hatch said in his plea for support of the amendment. "The fact is, acts of disrespect to the flag add nothing whatsoever to any debate about our nation's policies."

When asked what his next step would be if the resolution failed to pass, Hatched suggested he might propose a law that would make all flag manufacturers coat their flags in a highly toxic chemical which would destroy the lungs of flag burners. "It may be the only way you can teach somebody about copyrights...er I mean disrespecting the flag."

Posted: Wed - June 18, 2003 at 03:12 PM        

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